I’d like to think I’m an outgoing person, but I love my alone time too. Sometimes I feel so isolated from people. I’ve always wondered if it’s just me – but this psychologist has a different take! He says that the difference between you and that social butterfly in high school is all in the questions you ask people.
Hi everyone. Thanks for stopping by my blog again. I went to a metaphysics fair today. To be honest, it was a letdown. About 70 percent of the fair consisted of spiritual jewelry stands. In other words, the whole fair was pretty much a front for higher-priced custom-made jewelry. Very yucky for these spiritualists – kinda makes all spiritualists look bad, but oh well who am I to judge. They also had some nice lectures… so.
Well anyway, I also wanted to meet some like-minded people and increase my circle of friends. Would be cool to have a friend who could read your mind or aura. An astrology nerd would be a nice addition to my buddylist too!
But I found myself reaching for things to say or ask when it came down to talking with new people. I ended up only talking to two people who I was able to have more than a hi, hello conversation with. On my way home, my lack of sociability bothered me, and I started wondering if I’m antisocial or something.
I realized most of my friends are from elementary school, and that bothered me. Do I suck at making friends? If I didn’t happen to make friends in school, would I be friendless and incapable of making friends now?
I turned to the internet for answers and found an interesting study done by a psychologist!
The Fault Is in Your Questions, not Your Stars
Dr. Arthur Aron wondered about friendships too. He had this theory – that your ability to make friends depends mostly on the kinds of questions you ask someone. He went out to test his theory by taking two groups of people and having one group make small talk and the other group go through a list of special questions he formulated.
The special questions are divided into three sets. That group was to start asking some questions from the first set then start picking questions from the next two sets. The third set had the most intimate questions, while the first set had the least intimate.
After the 45 minutes were up, the group that asked the special questions were closer to each other than the group that just shot the breeze. So Dr. Aron was right! Even more amazing – some of the people in the special question group ended up dating many months after they were done with the study. That means many of those people became friends and stayed in touch when they didn’t even have to.
What Were These Special Questions?
I looked through his questions and realized that they’re not really genius. They’re the kind of questions you’d see in an OkCupid quiz. But seeing as how his study was in 1997, I guess OkCupid and other sites ripped him off!
Here are some questions from the different sets:
Set 1
What was the last song you sang for someone and why?
Which famous person would you have as a dinner guest, and why?
If you could be famous, for what would you like to be best known for?
Set 2
What’s your greatest accomplishment?
What’s your worst and best memories?
If you knew you were going to die soon, what would you change about your life?
Set 3
If you were to die right now, what’s the top thing you’d regret not telling anyone?
If you have or had a significant other, what’s the most important thing you’d want them to know?
When did you last cry? Why?
All of these questions are the kind you’d see on dating sites! Who knows, maybe dating sites are the basis for his study. I can see their compatibility metrics all based on his study. Too bad none of them are giving him credit.
But yeah, if you ask anyone any of these questions, you’re going to end up knowing a lot about them and when you reciprocate with answers to these questions, you’re going to end up telling them a lot about yourself.
It’s a good perspective though – I guess I should start asking dating site quiz questions the next time I want to make friends with someone. If you have the same social flops as me, you should too!
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